Reaching the “Head of the Household” (Posted by Eve with input from John)

“The man is the head of the household.” A readily accepted norm by both men and women in Muhuru. In focus groups, participants easily cited cultural and Biblical reasons that men – and their decisions – should be accepted, usually without question.

Given this, I have been concerned about many women who are often attending READY without their husbands, though they enrolled in the program as a couple. John provided some cultural reasons this might be happening:

1.     The culture in Muhuru does not promote sitting next to your wife for long because it is a sign of weakness on the side of the man. A man should be out with other men doing “mens’ jobs.” Even in the normal church service, there are fewer men.

2.     Men in Muhuru like doing things that produce immediate results –monetary results. They often do not participate in any non-paying activities.

3.     Men are supposed to provide for their families, so they are expected to spend most of their time looking for ways to make money while the women spend time tending to children and attending church.

It seems logical to hypothesize that the families who attend without the husband/father may not benefit from READY as much as those who attend with all members. However, it is possible that these families may still benefit, though perhaps in different ways.

One woman who often comes without her husband agreed to discuss this issue. Here is part of our conversation (responses translated by John; she gave consent to post this). My questions to her are in bold, her responses in italics.

Who usually comes to the READY sessions?

Myself and one child. My husband only came once.

So in READY, we ask you to have a “Budho Makende.” Can you explain what that is?

That is a time when we are to discuss things together as a family – like how can budget together and work together. (Budho Makende literally means “special talk time.”)

Yes. So in your home, who attends your Budho Makende?

Myself, my husband, and one of our children.

Oh, so your husband participates in the Budho Makende but does not come to the sessions…can you explain more about this?

My husband drinks a lot. Most of the time when we have these READY sessions, he is out drinking ­­– or he may be at home but too drunk to come.

I see. But it seems that his drinking could also prevent him from being available for Budho Makende. How is he is able to participate in those discussions with your family?

Yes, for our Budho Makende, I choose to time it when he’s sober. Even this morning, we talked after breakfast, and yesterday also. When he is too drunk, I avoid bringing up these discussions. The timing varies. Sometimes it is after supper or lunch - it depends on his condition. Then I bring out the notes I take during READY and explain the things to him.

How does he react when you do this?

He’s normally cooperative when I tell him about having our discussions. What he enjoys most is the teaching about respect within the family. He also likes when I suggest to him that when we get some money, we should budget to buy some things for our children and then other things we need for ourselves . He has been very cooperative and takes those suggestions - and then he does exactly what we have talked about.

How do you feel during these Budho Makende discussions?

I feel happy and good when we have these discussions because in the trainings, I learn very helpful things, and I like to extend these discussions to my home…The discussions are very different from the normal discussions we had before. The topics are new. Now we can talk about HIV in the open. We also talk about respecting each other. We never used to discuss these issues in the family.

Even though your husband has not been able to come here to the sessions, have you noticed any differences in your family?

Yes, there is a difference. When we are talking together, my husband says, “This is a new thing. You must be learning this in that program, but I like it. You should keep learning them. They are good.”

So do you think he is open to hearing these ideas from you?

Yes, yes. Depending on how we have been relating of late, when I give a suggestion, we usually discuss it and he usually accepts.

Perhaps the women in Muhuru take on more leadership in their families than the outward customs suggest. And perhaps the men accept the women’s leadership and suggestions, at least on certain topics and when suggestions are presented at certain times, in certain ways. If this is true, women may be finding ways to bring new knowledge, ideas, communication patterns, and parenting practices into their homes in ways lead to family-level benefits ­– even if their husbands do not have direct exposure to the intervention. This is one question we will ask the data.

A picture of one READY session...look closely and you will note that most in attendance are women and children